


The Feeling You Thought You'd Forgotten

by RailroadDeacon



Category: Destiny (Video Game)
Genre: First Time, Friends to Lovers, M/M, Slow To Update, Twilight Gap, awoken!saladin, because im horrible, human!shaxx
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-12-30
Updated: 2016-02-03
Packaged: 2018-05-10 11:52:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 2,518
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5584423
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RailroadDeacon/pseuds/RailroadDeacon
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“Would you rather Lord Saladin oversee these matches? Does it look like I care?” Shaxx slammed his comms shut and gripped the edge of his desk. Another promising team had failed simple objective gameplay because they were focused on Saladin’s arrival. He sighed and shook his head, taking a seat near his desk. He could hear excited guardians on the staircase above him, whispering about how grand and powerful Saladin’s wares were this week. </p><p>      “Forged in the light of the Iron Lords” Shaxx mumbled, mockingly, under his breath whilst he tinkered with his digi-pad, scrolling through crucible feeds.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

     Every month he waltzes into the tower like a celebrity, baring his iron sigil and recruiting guardians, _his_ guardians, with the promise of iron glory.

     “Would you rather Lord Saladin oversee these matches? Does it look like I ******care**?” Shaxx slammed his comms shut and gripped the edge of his desk. Another promising team had failed simple objective gameplay because they were focused on Saladin’s arrival. He sighed and shook his head, taking a seat near his desk. He could hear excited guardians on the staircase above him, whispering about how grand and powerful Saladin’s wares were this week.

     “Forged in the light of the Iron Lords” Shaxx mumbled, mockingly, under his breath whilst he tinkered with his digi-pad, scrolling through crucible feeds.

     “Actually it’s ‘forged _by_ the light of the Iron Lords.” A deep voice rang from a figure looming over his desk. Shaxx tensed and flicked his eyes up, slowly lifting his head to follow.

     “Saladin.” Shaxx stood, curtly nodding his head in an attempt to show respect.

     “Shaxx. I’m here for arena codes.” The shorter man leaned on the Crucible handler’s desk casually, taking in the new decor in the area. Shaxx sneered under his helmet and grabbed the card that held the codes from his top drawer.

     “Don’t lose those and _don’t_ touch the established schedule.” Shaxx gripped the codes tightly before dropping them on the desk. He turned back to his seat without acknowledging Saladin again and waited for the titan’s footsteps to fade away before releasing a breath he didn’t quite recall holding. He slumped his shoulders and glanced at the exit of the Hall. He saw Eris in her usual corner, reading some strange thing or another, ignoring the world, and an empty stairway.

     Saladin sighed and let his tense shoulders drop as he got to the top of the staircase. As much as he loved coming to the tower, it was always an emotional toll to interact with his former students. He frowned under his helmet, thinking about his previous conversation.

     “Sir, the Iron Banner has been erected and the Tower Walk is open.” A frame nearby alerted the iron lord that he was needed elsewhere and he quickly pushed Shaxx out of his mind. He had guardians to train, his personal matters could wait.


	2. Chapter 2

     “ ** _I’VE SEEN ENOUGH._** ” Shaxx’s voice boomed over the comms as he begrudgingly entered the code required to stop a match with the mercy rule. He glared at the scoreboard briefly as the guardians were transmatted back to their ships. Lowering his digi-pad and tossing it to his desk, he groaned at the lack of formidable names on the daily crucible roster.

     “Arcite, I’m retiring for the night. I trust you have everything in order?” The crucible handler glanced up from gathering his belongings to nod at his mechanical companion.

     “Yes, sir.” The frame’s tin-like voice assured him as he stood and began his short walk to his quarters.

     The titan kept his eyes down, avoiding letting the large green banners into his vision. ‘It’s just a glorified control match. If Saladin wasn’t such a showman Iron Banner would be nothing.’ Shaxx kept his admittedly bitter thoughts to himself as he reached the doors to the Vanguard dorms. They slid open with a familiar hydraulic hiss, letting Shaxx know he was safe to lift his gaze.

     Or not.

     “Do you have a minute?”

     “Saladin. Your quarters are across from your _Iron Banner._ are they not?” Shaxx spat, quite surprised at his own malicious tone. Behind his helmet he kept his eyes focused on the smaller man’s posture, how it seemed to flinch at his question.

     “Yes, Shaxx, but I would like to talk to you. If you’ll allow it.” Saladin appeared tense, almost like he was readying for a retaliation. Shaxx took a moment to calculate what kind of conversation he could reasonably have with his former mentor without getting emotionally compromised.  

      His conclusion was far less reasonable than he would have liked. “Alright.” Shaxx didn’t like how cold his own voice sounded, but couldn’t force himself to make any corrections. “Have at it, then.”

     Saladin let his shoulders relax a bit, genuinely surprised that his proposition had been accepted. “Do…” He pulled a face he could only imagine was somewhere between frightened and disgusted, he was very obviously overthinking this, “Do you want to go to the Tower Walk? There’s a bit more privacy and seating, if you’d like it.”

      Shaxx narrowed his eyes but nodded “Sure.”

     Their walk was slow and quiet, the shorter man only a few steps in front of Shaxx. They both strode with calculated, almost mechanical mannerism; but their gaits were equal and near identical.

     Once they reached the burning spectacle surrounded by gear and weapons Saladin took a seat on the steps of his normal post. Shaxx could have sworn he heard a defeated sigh come from the Iron Lord, but he waved it off, quietly taking a seat next to him.

     There was a long silence between them, not markedly uncomfortable, but not something Shaxx wanted to continue for much longer.


	3. Chapter 3

     “I’m proud of you.” Saladin broke the silence, his voice far quieter than he found normal “What you’ve done with crucible. It’s impressive. You’ve done well.” he quickly continued the sentiment, perhaps trying to correct himself somehow.

     Shaxx couldn’t help but smile bitterly under his opaque visor. He had missed the kind of smiles Saladin had created, when things seemed easier between them.

     A lot of guardians familiar with their relationship chalked the tension up to the events at Twilight Gap, but Shaxx never saw it that way. He remembered training under Saladin because he wanted to be the best, but he more clearly remembered slowly becoming his friend. Things were nice for a while. In battle they were unstoppable, both advanced strategists as well as tanks of brute force. They shared a quick wit and banter, it made skirmishes outside the wall a little more bearable.

      _What had happened? Why did things get so complicated?_

     Shaxx knew the answer, naturally, but he resented it. He pursed his lips and furrowed his brow, staring firmly at a memory. His face softened slightly and he reached up slowly to unclip his helmet.

     Saladin’s eyes widened at the click and hiss of Shaxx’s helmet coming loose. He quickly turned his head away, only able to see vague movements of the crucible handler removing his helmet entirely.

     “Saladin.” Shaxx spoke lightly, his voice keeping steady, for which he was very grateful.

     “Shaxx you know I…” Saladin’s voice trailed off as he slowly turned back to him. His eyes briefly took in the younger man’s features before focusing on the scar marking the left side of his face. He quickly shut his eyes and took in a far too shaky breath.

     The scar was defined, like a star burst on his skin. It was a messy silhouette a wizard’s clawed hand. Saladin couldn’t help but think back to where the scar came from and how there were so many more he couldn’t see. He had given the all clear. Shaxx had trusted his judgement to keep him safe and it resulted in him almost losing his light.

     “I meant what I said, Shaxx. I can’t work with you, you’re a reminder of my failures.” Saladin kept his gaze fixed on his own gloved hands.

     “Oh, fuck you, Saladin. You think I blame you for any of what happened? Do you think I was some sort of helpless schoolgirl who needed your protection?” Shaxx’s voice raised only slightly as his voice filled with emotion.

     “You know I don’t think that.” Saladin sighed, “I never did. You’ve always been incredibly capable. I just…”

     “Just what?! It was _never_ your job to keep me safe. I fucked up, Saladin. I fucked up, I got hurt, you had nothing to do wit-”

     “You’re s… You were so important, Shaxx. You were the most important thing in my life and I couldn’t protect you. You trusted me. You trusted me so blindly and I fucked it up.” Saladin’s voice raised in a way it hadn’t in a long time. Both men sat in a less comfortable silence than before.

     “I still trust you. I never stopped. You always leave out the parts where you saved my ass.” He smirked bitterly, rubbing the back of his head to settle his nerves. “I thought,” he interrupted himself with an almost hysterical laugh, “I thought you hated me for fucking up.”

     Saladin’s stomach twisted into knots and he frowned under his helmet. He wanted to say something reassuring, but he was at a loss for words.

     Resetting his guarded posture, Shaxx turned his body to face the shorter man. He reached out a hand to undo the clasp under Saladin’s helm. He pulled lightly, waiting a moment for an objection, before continuing.

     Saladin tensed at the hissing release of his helmet and reached up to grab Shaxx’s hand before he could pull it off.

     Shaxx stared at his hand, clasped by Saladin’s, unsure of what to do. He tilted his head with a silent question, watching the older man slowly remove his own helm. He set it down gingerly, with more care than was strictly necessary, and released his hand.

     Shaxx took this moment to drink in Saladin’s sharp features. His jaw was strong, set fiercely to shackle his nerves. Without noticing, Saladin had turned to face the younger man. Looking up, Shaxx caught the purple eyes staring at him.

     “I don’t see wh-”

     “I just want to see you when you say I’m one of your mistakes.” Shaxx did his best to hide his fear and keep his face set in a harsher way.

     Saladin sighed and let out a chuckle, beside himself. “Traveller, you’re not a mistake, Shaxx. I made mistakes. I just dont want to think abou-...” he cut himself off, pursing his lips and contemplating his next words, “You could have died.” He settled on, his voice wavering only slightly. He kept his eyes down, hiding their sheen despite his bitter smile.

     Shaxx was hit with a wave of understanding and affection and barely kept from making a strangled noise close to a sob. He reached his hand out yet again, running his fingers over the older man’s chin.

     Without really thinking, Saladin reciprocated the gesture. He wrapped his hand around the back of his ex-student’s neck and gently stroked at his hair.

     They were close, angling their bodies towards each other. They let their foreheads touch in a familiar motion, one that had been shared between them many times. This is how it always started, a reassuring touch, a grounding reminder to stay alive.

     “God damn it, Shaxx…” Saladin nearly crooned, huffing at the feeling swelling in his chest.


	4. Chapter 4

      Shaxx smirked and quickly closed the distance between them, pressing his lips against Saladin’s. They were smooth against his own chapped, dry lips and he could taste a sweetness lingering on them. The older man’s tongue pushed at the entrance of his mouth, which he willingly opened with a small noise akin to a whimper. Saladin bit down gently on his lower lip, sucking at it to balance the sharp pain. 

     Saladin was the first to pull away from the kiss. Shaxx tightened his grip where he was toying with Saladin’s short hair. 

     “Please, don’t.” Shaxx’s voice was uncharacteristically small and pleading. “Don’t leave again, please, not now.” 

     Saladin’s chest tightened and his heart sank. He pulled Shaxx’s chin upward with a finger and used his thumb to swipe along his cheek. “I’m so sorry.” Saladin breathed out, gently capturing his lips again. It was different, careful and sincere, not needy and rushed. 

     Shaxx smiled into the kiss and let out a breath of relief. “I missed this.” He mumbled, not moving his mouth away from the other’s. Saladin smirked against him and began to press light kisses onto his jaw, slowly dragging them downward. He gently bit down on the sensitive skin and hummed in approval as Shaxx tightened his grip and let out a small gasp. “We should go somewhere more private.”

     Saladin pulled away from him, admiring the mark he had left on Shaxx’s neck. He nodded, biting his lip, and stood to collect his helmet. He easily dwarfed the older man as soon as they stood. He used this to his advantage, finding his mouth was a comfortable level to drag his teeth gently across Saladin’s earlobe. 

      “Your quarters?” the taller man asked, speaking breathily into Saladin’s skin. 

      With that Saladin was shaken out of his trance. He glanced around, eye landing briefly on Shaxx’s dark skin. It was happening again, just like last time. He felt a pang of disgust towards himself. 

      Saladin forced his eyes shut and let out a reluctant sigh, “No, Shaxx, we shouldn’t. You’re not thinking straight.” He felt the other man let out a frustrated sigh without moving his face away. 

     “I’m not thinking straight?” Shaxx practically growls, sending a shiver down Saladin’s spine. The human’s grip tightened around his mentor’s shoulder for a moment before letting go entirely. Shaxx took a step back, his expression flat and synthetic. 

     “You’re not. I shouldn’t have let this happen.” Saladin spoke quietly, not looking at the taller man. Shaxx pinched the bridge of his nose and let out a huff of frustration.

     “Did you really wait this fucking long just to tell me ‘no’  _ again _ ?” 

     “I don’t w-... you’re confused. I took advantage of you, Shaxx. You were a kid.” Saladin moved to dawn his helmet again, hoping it would help him maintain the barrier he needed. Before he could lift it to the correct level it was knocked out of his hand.

     “Will you fucking look at me? What is wrong with me, Saladin? Why am I not good enough?” Shaxx’s voice raised in anger.

     “I told you, it’s not you. You just… don’t know any better and I’m sorry. I thought I could fix this somehow, I was wrong.” Saladin attempted to keep his voice level, but the distress was audible under his tone of authority. 

     “What did you think would happen? Did you think I would just forget it?” Shaxx was yelling by now and Saladin couldn’t find it in himself to blame him. “You can’t just pretend the past never happened.”   
     “But you can learn from it, Shaxx.”

     “Obviously, you can’t learn a damn thing!” he snapped, kicking one of the crates full of ammunition. The metal bent inward and the loose ammo inside clattered with movement. Shaxx sent a final pointed glare at Saladin before pressing his helmet back into place and walking towards the main tower.

     Saladin watched with wide eyes, his chest welling with emotion. He pushed the urge to call out after Shaxx down and turned to pick up his helmet. The impact had shattered the top right corner of the visor causing the iron lord to let out a sigh. He tossed it onto the table holding other pieces of armour and began walking back to his quarters.

**Author's Note:**

> Sorry for the huge gap between updates, I definitely lost muse for these guys for a bit. Maybe the valentines event will help me get some more inspiration! Thanks for reading!


End file.
